On Her Birthday..

Long vulnerable post ahead...

I've shared my WHY before..over and over...but nothing explains my WHY and what I do now quite like I think this post will...actually seeing what I saw...

For as long as I can remember my mom had dealt with addiction issues. I remember at a young age knowing things were..off. That what she was doing to herself wasn't right. I remember putting out cigarettes, throwing them in the trash, pouring out bottles of liquor that were hidden in the back of closets, sitting up with her at night going through withdraws. I remember her going to rehab to get clean & then my sister and I eventually having to move away from our friends and family to live with her there. I remember going to a school where I felt completely out of place. I remember her ceremony for completing the program. I remember us coming home...only for her to start old habits again. I'm not trying to paint a horrible picture of my mom. I loved my mom. I LOVE my mom. She was funny. She was creative. She loved us. She worked hard for every day for us until she couldn't.

She was diagnosed with Cirrhosis of the liver. We were in and out of the hospital a lot. Hours in the ER. I even remember spending a Thanksgiving in there once. I was scared. I was angry. I felt guilt for being angry. She stopped being fun. Her appearance changed. She stopped laughing as much (I miss her laugh). She stopped being able to get around. The medication they gave her for pain made her completely out of it. It was hard to hold a conversation. We literally watched her life fad away...

I remember the last week of her life. She went into the hospital September 23, 2009. Her body shut down and eventually I, at 23 years old, would be the one to sign the paperwork to remove my 48 year old mother from life support. They said there was nothing more they could do for her. She passed September 27, 2009.

So, what does this have to do with my journey? Simple...I didn't want my daughter going through the pain I went through when dealing with my moms addiction. I decided a short time after Sawyer was born that I would do everything in my power to be here and healthy for her and our family. My mom dealt with things emotionally, things even I wasn't aware of..I'm sure, and she turned to alcohol. I wasn't addicted to drugs or alcohol. My drug of choice was food...I abused it. I fed every emotion with it...happiness, boredom, anger, sadness....and it was killing me slowly just the same. I realized I had a say of what was happening to my body and I needed to change. I wasn't about to let something I was doing to MYSELF take me away from my family. My mom didn't WANT to die. We had talks about it. I can't answer why she wasn't able to turn her life around before it got to the point that it did. I just know I had a choice to make for myself...for my daughter. To be as healthy as I can be for her....To be able to watch her grow...To be able to teach her good habits...God willing...to watch her get married and have kids of her own one day.

Today on her birthday I hope Ma knows just how much I miss her, I love her. I hope shes proud of the women she raised. I hope shes smiling down on her goofy, beautiful granddaughters. I hope she knows her life and death were not in vain. That her daughters use the struggles and pain and love they received to create something beautiful...to inspire hope in others...to show other they aren't alone..that they can overcome and obstacle.

"Sometimes in tragedy we find our life’s purpose. The eye sheds a tear to find its focus."

A little something to remember you by..

heart emoticon April 3, 1961~September 27, 2009 heart emoticon